Drunken Expat Writer - Languedoc-Roussillon

Drunken Expat Writer‘s blog won’t be for everyone.  In fact, it shouldn’t really be for anyone who can consider themselves…

1). Grown Up,

2). Civilised and

3). Decent.

However, if you can’t tick all three of the above you might want to take a look at Drunken Expat Writer‘s Blog.  I scored 0 out of 3 on the test so I find myself spending quite a lot of time browsing through the weblog of Bart Calendar who introduces his blog as… This is the blog of the Drunken Ex Pat Writer, a fictional creation who cares about nothing but vodka, cigs and pussy.

Ah, he likes cats, as well.  That’s nice, isn’t it?

Reading this blog is like waking up in a pool of vomit after a hard night’s partying and somehow knowing that it’s not your own vomit that you’ve been sleeping in.

There’s really not too much about Life in France on this site,  at least not the sort of lives most of us lead (and certainly no cooking or mushroom collecting stuff), but…. Bart does live in France and seems to be enjoying himself.

Have you ever wanted to live the life of an alcoholic freelancer? If so, then you need to read Drunken Expat Writer’s guide to  How To Become A Drunken Expat Write.   But if you are too sensible to dip your pinkies into that Cesspit of Inequity, I shall paraphrase it for you…..

1. You quit your job working for Gannett when you realize that every boss at Gannett is a total tool. You kick yourself for taking 10 years to come to this realization.

2. You make sure Gannett gives you some cash when you leave so you have money for airfare, vodka and the deposit on a new apartment. Most of this money will be spent on drinks at 4 a.m. at dirty smoky clubs while you try to integrate yourself with the expat community.

3. You sign up for elance.com and start getting some freelance gigs. You quickly become shocked at how much work Indian writers will do for two bucks.

4. You learn how to say “I’m sorry, I’ll have the rent next week” in French (knowing that it’s illegal in France to evict you unless you are nine months behind on your rent.) This phrase, along with “Pas Possible” will become the only French you ever really need to know.

5. You practice new and creative excuses for when you are behind on your freelance gigs because drinking, fucking or doing coke seemed to make more sense than writing eBay ads on that particular day.

6. You learn to ignore the vast numbers of ways your family will ask you “When are you going to rehab?” and “When are you going to come home and get a real job?”

7. You try pastis because it’s the local drink and it’s dirt cheap. After about a week you realize it’s so gross that only alcoholic pig farmers would ever drink it on a regular basis. This does not stop you from drinking it when you are broke.

8. You throw away your alarm clock because you will never need it again.

9. Voila! You are now a drunken expat writer!

And there’s really not much more I can say about this site other than the naughty little tinker who writes it uses the F word 4 times in his last 2 posts.  For purely scientific purposes I have done a thorough analysis and the ratio of 1 obscenity for every 20 words is pretty much a constant!  So enjoy this blog if you will; just don’t forget to be sensible, wear some protection and wash your hands afterwards!

All the best

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