I’m starting to worry that I seem to be focusing too much on Life in France blogs (which is understandable – as that’s what I do here at A Taste of Garlic) written by women who’ve recently had children (and I’m talking here of… “still in that traumatised state that having children engenders!” – I’m not sure how long that takes to pass; I guess it depends upon the children?)
I have a sneaky suspicion that those sort of blogs are easier for me? Or perhaps they’re more enjoyable to review?
All those “And guess how many lumps of dog poo little Johnny managed to walk through on his way home from school?” blogging opportunities.
All those chances to boastfully blog about “My little chappie is probably the only toddler in the world who can fill his nappies and projectile vomit all over the vicar; both at the same time!”
I love blog posts like that. I think it’s because they remind me why I’m not a father.
Of course, it’s not just a fear of children (well, some people are scared of spiders; it’s little children that give me nightmares!), that have made me childless.
No, not at all… In my early teens I took a good look at all my brothers and sisters and said… “For the sake of humanity, the genes stop here!”
All of which is probably not a very polite way of introducing Perfect Welcome which is a blog by a woman who has got children but doesn’t seem too traumatised!
I guess she must love them. In fact, she says so herself in a post entitled Love in the time of Cholera (or Gastroeneritis) which she does warns us, is not for the faint hearted!
Too right! I just know that I’m going to have nightmares tonight about little children crawling on the ceiling (you have to have watched Trainspotting!) saying to me… “can you wipe my bum-bum. I have diarrhea!”
And, for the life of me, I can’t understand why Eric Segal didn’t close Love Story with Oliver explaining to his father… “Love means holding a hot crying child at 3am so they will throw up on you, because you are much easier to clean than the entire bed.”
And, do you know, I think that Love Story is far the weaker book for that omission!
So, who is Perfect Welcome and what does she have to say….
Well, when she’s not trying to rewrite Love Story, Miss Welcome (as she calls herself) admits to being “far from the next Martha Stewart” (Ed. – who’s she?) and her friends are at risk of… “tripping over toddlers and toys and staring in dismay at the impressive pile of dishes in the sink.”
I have to ask the question (as I’m sure you want me to)… “What on earth are toddlers and toys for, if not for tripping over?”
Miss Welcome is a blogger after my own heart as can be seen from this extract from No Problems, Only Solutions… “Here I am – I’ve tidied up my blog and studiously avoided tidying up my home.”
Well, if you ask me, that’s the perfect solution to the perfect problem!
To be honest, I’m a bit jealous of this blog. I’m jealous of anyone who, after introducing their blog, can seamlessly go on and entitle her second post as Rodents, Cocks and Cockroaches and then… shamelessly discuss a very large African cockroach chose to make his home in her bosom!
And I was wondering whether to mention that as I do like to think of this as a family-friendly blog review site!
Miss Welcome – you should be ashamed of yourself!
Hold on to your senses, it gets worse!
Oh yes it does!
I approached The Birds and the Bees, If You Please with a sense of trepidation. I was 100% right, as you will see….
Young Lady is eating bean sprouts – the ones I had … sprouted … all by myself for the very first time.
Young Lady, “When I’m a mommy, these will swim in my belly and make a baby.”
Me, “um, um, um”
Young Lady, “I saw it on the movie (at the children’s science museum).”
Peeling the hull off each sprout, “Maybe there’s a baby in here …. nope. Maybe there’s a baby in here ….uh, nope.”
Me, “um, um, um ….”
Really, she’s six. Let’s just stick to the birds and the bees, if you please.
So. moving swiftly along….
To the vitally important food bits….
So, summing up…
Well, Perfect Welcome is a blog where we learn all sorts of things…
We learn that a French Woman… “owns 100€ jeans that make her butt look fabulous, but she has only one pair (which is the pair she wears should she decide to wear jeans).”
And, in a post that is close to my heart at the moment (because it purportedly is about dodgy internet connections), called Biological Warfare and the Finger of God (sounds a bit like a second rate Jeffery Archer Novel, which is a bit of an oxymoron when you think about it, doesn’t it?) we also learn all about bonking ladybirds!
Definitely not a Family Friendly blog!
Speaking of family; I feel sorry for the children whom, we learn in Big Boy, are called Big Boy, Young Lady and Peanut and they were all induced.
Now, being a humble man, I don’t actually know what induced means but… It does sound painful so I’ll leave it there!
The kiddies do look happy enough, as we can see in Mr Welcome’s Welcome – love those cammo pyjamas! I want a pair just like that!
And me? Well, I’m going out on a mission!
I’ve heard that Perfect Welcome is in my neck of the woods (her last post, entitled Postcards from Bretagne did sort of give it away. I don’t want anyone thinking that I’m the perfect sleuth or that I’d sat up all night trying to work it all out!) and I’m going to see if I can track her down.
I shall be looking for a woman wearing a large African cockroach in her bosom and three children who may or may not be running around the beach shouting.. “woohoooooooo!!”
Wish me luck!
All the best