Indeed, some of you have even emailed me and/or left comments about the reasons for this.
Well, I can finally reveal the truth!
1). It’s not because, as many of you have no doubt suspected, that I have been so ashamed of Spurs’ recent performance (Spurs are a football team for any of you of the Female persuasion – although they’re not that much of a football team, to be honest!) that I have decided to shave my head, relocate to a Tibetan monastery and begin a new life of silent but rather aggressive self-flagellation.
No, that’s not true at all – at least, the Tibetan monastery bit isn’t entirely true!
2). And it has absolutely nothing to do with health issues.
Many people did suggest that perhaps I’d ruptured myself changing from my Winter LongJohns (that’s Union Suit for those of you of American Persuasion) into my Summer LongJohns
And whilst that may well have been true but it doesn’t completely account for my blogging absence.
3). There seem to be a few of you (OK, I’ll be honest, there seems to be thousands of you) who think that my diet of Andouilette, Pigs Trotters and Boudin Noir may finally have caught up with me and the reason that I haven’t been blogging or updating A Taste of Garlic is that I’m now so fat I can’t fit through the office door!
And, whilst this does, coincidentally, happen to be the case, it’s not the whole reason why I have been so quiet for so long.
Aliens from Outer Space
4). A few of you (a frighteningly small number, it does have to be said) seem to have suspected the truth right away.
They realised that I’d been abducted by Aliens from Outer Space (and we seem to suffer quite a lot from this in the particular part of slightly backward, generally overlooked and completely rural South West Brittany that I have chosen to call home) and, for the last six weeks, have been undergoing a number of rather disturbingly intimate tests performed by the aforementioned aliens to determine a). whether we, as a species, are good to eat… b) how we manage to get about when we only have 2 legs and c). how we procreate.
After thoroughly analysing me, I feel that the aliens have come up with the following answers…
a). Human Beings taste of all the wrong bits of dead pig!
b). Human Beings do manage to stagger around, handicapped as they are with only one pair of legs, but do seem to have some trouble staying upright – especially towards the end of the day and, almost always if they have been drinking that drink that is clear in the bottle but goes yellow in the glass once water has been added.
c). Messy and noisy – I don’t think I need to say any more there!
From the look on their faces I do believe that they were somehow disappointed in me.
As an ambassador for our species, I feel that somehow I have failed….
However, the one thing that I can say for sure is that….
If they think that I am a typical example of the human race,
They’ll probably not come back for another million years or so,
In order to give us time to evolve into something that a). tastes better, b) can grow another couple of pairs of legs and…
c). Makes a little bit less noise and a whole lot less mess during the mating season (their words, not mine – I did try to explain that, for any red-blooded English man, Mating Season happens on a Friday night after 6 pints of lager and a few games of darts in order to prepare for a Saturday down the betting shop and watching footie on the wide-screen down the boozer. I’m not entirely sure that they completely understood?)
And, as such….
I truly and honestly believe….
That I have singlehandedly…..
Saved the Human Race from invasion by hungry, six legged and sexually perverse Aliens from Outer Space!
I wonder if Sarkozy will give me a medal?
For you non-believers…
For any of you who don’t actually believe the Aliens from Outer Space thing (although it does actually happen to be entirely true!) I suppose that I ought to say that….
As soon as I’ve recovered from my sore botty (you should see where they put their probes! You should see the size of their probes!) I will be getting straight back to work and….
I anticipate that A Taste of Garlic will start being updated again from Monday 6th June.
I’ve got lots of new things planned! A couple of the aliens just so happened to be fans of A Taste of Garlic and we spent many a happy night (orbiting this galaxy) gossiping about all you Life in France bloggers! And, as a result, I’ve come up with a few exciting and interesting things for all you to do should you are unlucky enough not to be abducted by aliens (and subjected to all their internal examinations) this summer!
I’ve got about a million and one reviews lined to do….
I’ve got some rather wonderfully spiffing widgets for you to put on your own blogs….
I’ve got some Limerick competitions planned that’ll have you scratching your heads and wondering why you, unlike my mates – the Aliens from Outer Space, have only got one of them!
And I’ve got some That Was the Weeks to catch up on!
So, expect a Mega, Ginourmous, Fabulatastic one for Tuesday after next!
All the best
P.S. Of course, the real reason that I’ve been so quiet is that I’ve been working very hard on a major, major project that will change my life and keep Me and Mrs A Taste of Garlic in Pigs Bottom Sausages for the rest of our lives!
Work is nice but….
It’s quite important to make sure that it doesn’t interfere in….
The important things in life…
Like Family, like A Taste of Garlic and…
P.P.S. I’ve told the aliens all about you!
I’m sorry, they made me do it!
So you should expect a visit from them any day now!
Buy some Vaseline – that would be my advice!
Lots of Vaseline would be good!
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