Desperate Anglo Housewives is a blog I’ve been meaning to review for ages and ages; primarily because it seems to be the perfect mix of witty madness and gorgeous gluttony!
The blog explains itself as…
Life, Food, Anecdotes From An Anglosaxon Bordeaux Housewife & Working Mother Creating a Womens’ Network.
And has the following aim… “Desperateanglohousewives has the goal to network with offshore mothers, working mothers and women from all over the globe.The writer, Susie, an offshore Kiwi, is an avid food and lifestyle fanatic who wishes to share her passion for cuisine, culture and laughter. Susie brings you her weekly lifestyle comments and recipes of the moment.”
Worthy aims, I think…
Shall we venture forth and see if they’ve been met?
Faux Pas and other cock ups….
What? Of course I know it’s only 8.30am – just follow my advice to the letter; you’ll need that glass of wine, you really will!
I’ll start with Ultimate Mistake and Cultural Mishaps where Susie announces, at a dinner party, that “I have a 100Kg fanny…”
Actually, on grounds of taste and moral decency, let’s skip that post and move onto something a little more delicate readers. How’s the wine, by the way?
In Linguistic Loo Lahs, our intrepid Kiwi finds herself going into Galleries Lafayettes to ask for… “a slut with buttons between her legs for my son” before going on to ask another sales assistant if she could… “Heat up her spring rolls in the nude?”
In the Other Cock Ups department we visit a Disaster Spa… where Susie’s long suffering (I mean, I don’t knwo the chap personally but I do get the feeling that the phrase long suffering was probably invented for him!) books what he thinks is a romantic spa hotel weekend in Spain only to find that it is a thermal cure clinic for the elderly with respiratory conditions.
Why am I not surprised?
And in Beware Pigeons we learn that our Susie is a bit of a Poo Magnet for our feathered friends but…
She bicycles one to death in revenge!
Going back to when Susie first met her husband she is told by him, after a long and thirsty hike in the mountains… “But you can’t drink beer, you’re a woman.”
Of course, being a Kiwi, I guess she had no choice but to order a pint?
Even is she had initially wanted a very small glass because, as she says herself (and I have no reason to doubt her – I’ve known a few Kiwi girlies and they all seem to share this proclivity)… “I am not really a beer drinker – the stuff makes me fart like a horse!”
So, I guess her boyfriend must really have loved her if he went on to become her husband?
Or perhaps he just had no sense of smell?
And I see you’ve finished your wine. Do you normally drink like that at 8.30 in the morning?
So, moving on to safer and more respectable parts of the blog. In other words….
The Foodie Bits….
So, as an amuse bouche what about some Monday Osso Bucco?
Now, that looks so nice that I think I could eat it seven days a week!
And perhaps I could join in DesperateAngloHousewife’s Parsnip Fantasy with some Season’s Parsnip?
Although I’m pretty sure that I’m better off not knowing what she wants to do with that parsnip?
Perhaps she’s thinking of Getting Figgy?
After all, Susie says… “There are still juicy figs at the market, waiting for you to turn them into the ultimate orgasmic breakfast treat.”
Before going on to inform us…
“My first autumn in France was spent between breast-feeding my new-born son and standing beneath the fig tree literally stuffing my face with fresh warm figs. The perfume was overpowering, irresistable.”
And to think, my first Autumn in France was largely spent plucking chickens and filling boxes with little bits of dead pig!
Oyster’s friend tells the story of a meal in Bordeaux where Susie is told by the waiter… “Une saucisse maison pour madame….les saucisses sont les amies des huitres.”
And it turns out he was right!
Just in case any of you were thinking of asking… Just What is Veau Orloff?
Susie kindly explains all with these words… “It’s one of those kitchen goddess type dishes where you have to start planning 48 hours in advance….this is not a one pot sausage hotpot.”
And, as I notice that my waistline seems to have gone south…
It might be time to visit….
The Attempting to Diet Bits…..
Well, it seems that it’s time to Get Thin, Get Thin, Get Thin!
In other words (well, Susie’s words, if you want to be pedantic about it?) … “It’s the annual self-cringe moment when, in France, the gorgeous snake-hipped, unhealthily slim french woman gets, well, even slimmer.”
Where Susie is… “dealing with the shop-girl smirks as I try to button up something across my chest where the button holes seem out on my shoulders!”
And did that shop girl call her an Incredible Blimp?
Never mind, in France there’s probably, as we find out in the Annual Cringe!, a pill to help you diet!
And, at this point, I’d risk giving the game away and ask whether it was a pill to stick up your bottom or one to pop in your mouth?
I do have this horrible feeling that we’ll find out that answer to that one before too long!
And talking of bottoms, let’s move on to…..
The Droopy Bits….
Which might not be so droopy after watching some Porn for Housewives?
Because, as all us men know, all you ladies do is sit around watching TV all day!
Still, the way Susie started off, I’m really not surprised!
In Mmmmwah, Mmmwah, Dahling we learn that…
And these are Susie’s own words…
“I ended up in Switzerland as a student in the 1980s. Walking into a rather chic-chic dinner party feigning comfort about the oncoming motions of kissing everyone in the room…I walked up to my hosts, opened my arms, saying “On baise!?” which basically means, “Let’s f*ck!”"
Hussies and Brazen are words that spring to mind!
So it seem strange when she complains that us poor men only have one track minds (although most of us might admit to a certain truth to that during the football season?) in Are we all chambermaids?
In which she lists some people who’s bits haven’t been perhaps a droopy as they should have been?
Anyway, enough of this smut and let’s go back in time to look at…..
The Retro Bits…
In Everything’s Gone Retro Susie says… “You know that you are a “certain” age when you see the full cycle of fashion.
When that style comes around again, you are definitely going into your fourth or fifth decade.”
And then she starts talking about Chicken Liver Paté which confused the hell out of me because…
I never realised that it had gone away!
Still, it’s all right because in 70s Orange she talks about those glory years when Spurs won the occasional football match, Tie-Die was Groovy and Flares were what all well dressed men wore!
Susie (and her Mum, apparently) wore… “Ponchos, hand crocheted in tangerine and mexican brown, with tassles.”
And, in No Perfect Desperate Housewife, Susie says… “I do believe its time for women like me to rethink the domestic agenda for 2010″ before heading out to buy a bottle of Gin!
The Medical Bits….
Or, perhaps there are but I have been able to root them out?
Still, Susie’s off to a good start in Medical Bits when she recounts the tale of the time she swallowed a suppository!
Whatever turns you on, I suppose?
Mind you, Susie is altogether unsympathetic when it comes to Husbands with Colds….
Although I think that someone should explain to her…
Men don’t get colds…
They get Man Flu!
Mind you, in Husbands who do housework I think she must feel that there’s something very wrong with her husband as she catches him cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming the stairs.
And what’s wrong with that, I hear you ask?
Well, he was naked at the time!
The Ranty Bits…
1). God Give us Parity – A rant about Gender Equality; can basically be summed up in one sentence…. “One does not need a penis to appreciate good wine!”
2). France Behaving Badly – A rant about French Customer Service; can basically be summed up as… “I stopped and spoke to a friend on the way home and simply broke down in tears. I was still shaking. The client is definately NOT king in France. I was wrong.”
3). Being Average… – A rant about the French Education System; can be basically summed up as… “Madame, thank you for coming. I have summoned you here today because ( wait for this!!…) your daughter can’t trace her w’s.”
4). Back to school and related pains… – A rant about the French Education System; can be basically summed up by… “When my son was at kindergarten I asked a few mums if they would like to come over for a drink after school – not forgetting that school pick up was 5h45pm. That was when I was labelled as an anglo soak, slush, oh whatever….been there??”
So, summing up….
Loads of wonderful recipes mingle with Rants, Medical Confessions and 1970s fashion here at Desperate Anglo Housewives
I really think you ought to call in and say hello to Susie at Desperate Anglo Housewives before they come to take her away!
And me? Well, I’m going to catch myself some World Cup Fever?
DesperateAngloHousewife (Susie, in other words) might say of it… “My third experience of this god-almighty multi-billion dollar event which has men, the world over, tune off their loved ones and tune into ‘the match’ for an entire month. Unbelieveable quantities of beer,chips and delivered pizza will be sunk into their organisms – blood pressure and cholesterol are on the rise.”
But she’s just a Girlie; what does she know?
All the best